Is There Discontinuity in Your Reactions?

You know the expression "flying off the handle" and probably found yourself doing it more times than you would like to admit, but how often has it gotten you what you wanted?  In the heat of the moment it may have felt like a win.  You might have released some tension, but what longer term impact did this outburst have on you and your relationships?  Of course flying off the handle doesn't necessarily have to be explosive.  Some people communicate their ire in subtle or passive aggressive ways, but the key to changing your reactions is recognizing where the infraction sits on the scale of importance to you.

We know everyone views personal interactions through their own set of lenses, which can distort our perception based on our experiences.  Something disastrous to one person, like an expense report being overdue, seems like a minor incident to someone else.  Of course, understanding how we each perceive things differently is a powerful communication tool in helping get our point across effectively, but before you spend your energy being heard invest time into understanding why this issue pushes your button.

Shades of gray

It's easy to be blinded by a bias towards seeing only one outcome, often focusing on the negative, but learning to see the numerous events on the periphery will help alleviate anxiety and give you the motivation to achieve more.  Black and white thinking...learn to see the gray areas.  Look beyond the binary or single outcome to find alternate possibilities.

To Motivate, Spend More Time Framing Your Vision Instead of Prescribing It

It can be frustrating for bosses who have yet to come to terms with the changing managerial landscape.  Change isn't easy, and it's impossible to accomplish if you aren't looking for it (or don't want to see it).  For many, the old school guard still stands always at the ready to bark out orders, expecting the work to be done as prescribed.  They give lip service to valuing collaboration and an iterative process, but are quick to show frustration and an unwillingness to relinquish control when tasks progress in a manner different from their own expectations.  The struggle is real for the boss and his team, but one simple change can make a big difference.

Good leaders recognize the need to change how they communicate, or rather why they communicate.  They spend more of their time during their interactions explaining why a task is important to the big picture and less time describing how a task should be completed.  By moving the focus from how to why, the leader spotlights that it's the end result that is most important.  This shift signals to the employee that alternative ideas are valued and reinforces the role of a good leader to inspire and motivate.

Doing this will get you from good to great.

Think of any successful person that you know or have read about.  Now, think about what made them successful to the point that you remember their story?  You can likely think of lots of successful people, but why this person and not someone else?  What makes their story memorable?

Your first thought is probably about their achievements, but then you realize that there has to be more to their story than just what they produced...something bigger than even the sum of their accomplishments.  

Think about a main character in your favorite book or movie.  While their actions and personality may come to mind first, it's what they had to give up that makes them worthy of your attention (and money).  Sacrifice.  Every great story involves a great sacrifice.  You can't achieve the impossible without risk.

Playing it safe doesn't make an interesting story, and while it's comfortable for you, it won't get you to great.

"Life's like a movie, write your own ending." Kermit the Frog, The Muppet Movie

Want to learn more about making your life a better story?  Check out Donald Miller's book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

No is not a four letter word.

Self-described people pleasers find it hard, if not impossible, to say no.  Their anxiety often centers around the potential for losing out on a future opportunity.

"If we don't solve this problem for the customer, they won't buy other services from us later."

"I really should take on the new project because I won't get an opportunity like this again."

Whether we are "shoulding" on ourselves or letting others "should" on us, why is the reason to say yes based only on the future positive outcome (future new business or future project offers)?  There are an infinite number of outcome possibilities, but it's the worry of marginalization, the fear of insignificance, that drives the decision.

Don't be bullied.  Be decisive.

Grass roots.

Everyone's yard or garden requires tending.  Got a bare spot in need of new grass?  You can't just throw down some seed and wait for it to take root.  You start by preparing the area to make it habitable for the new seed, but you have to keep the seeds moist and create the right environment to coax them into growing into a lush, green turf.  Maybe missing a day of watering doesn't matter, but what happens if you miss two days...or three? Positive change is hard and doesn't happen without effort.  The effort itself doesn't need to be hard, but it does need to be accompanied by consistency to give the roots a chance.

The answer isn't right under your nose.

Seth Godin wrote a blog, "You don't know Lefsetz?", about knowing published works in your field of expertise.   How can we be experts if we don't study what others are doing?  We put all of our efforts into our own work and miss the importance of knowing the work of our peers.  He calls this "too much doing, not enough knowing."  This applies not only to your field of knowledge, but to seemingly unrelated fields as well.  By limiting your view to only those doing similar work, you just might be missing a break through.

Roboticists have been turning to entomology because nature already has the answer to locomotion and solving complex problems through swarm behavior.  These seemingly unrelated fields have together produced brilliant solutions that would have been missed had people not ventured out from their doing.

We can apply this to our own lives as well.  Tackling a complex problem at work that doesn't seem to have a perfect solution?  Before settling on "good enough", look around to see how others have solved problems.  Look beyond the superficial similarities and scratch the surface to find broader connections.  Search out analogies in areas that would otherwise seem to have little in common with yours.  Stop doing for a few minutes and start getting to know.

Link to Seth Godin's "You don't know Lefsetz?": http://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00d83451b31569e201b7c78b2ec0970b