If you are a leader, just knowing the most common active listening tactics is not enough to positively impact how your message is received and later carried out by others. Of course, some leaders may not be using these methods today, which is likely cause of even greater negative outcomes. If you want people to better understand you and desire to make stronger interpersonal connections, then there are a few more steps to take to becoming an empathic listener.
Let's first review some simple behaviors for active listening and then build from that foundation to profoundly change your next personal or work conversation. These are the 3 mostly widely taught active listening behaviors and are good place to start:
1. Watch or listen for nonverbal and verbal cues, like changes in facial expressions and speech intonation patterns.
2. Process what others are saying and verbally summarize their points in your own words to show you are listening.
3. Use responding behaviors, like head nodding and asking clarifying questions, to help continue the conversation or move it to a deeper level of understanding.
These are only the start. There are additional concepts you will want to be aware of to move beyond simply being an active listener. The first two involve introspection (don't forget our previous discussion on introspection and taking a balcony view). In reading this far, you have already taken the first step: acknowledging the importance of listening and realizing that you want to change. Next, you need to understand your personality. Are you someone who likes to control the conversation and feels like they always have the answer? Do you like to be the smartest person in the room, always offering that last insight to prove your superiority? Your challenge in this step is to recognize why you rely and constantly fallback on this behavior. To grow you will need to work to challenge this habit.
In addition to looking inward, there are a few actions to avoid if you want to improve your empathic listening behaviors. Amy Jen Su, co-owner of Paravis Partners, an executive training and coaching firm, suggests removing distractions, like e-mail and phones, during conversations, as these barriers send a clear message that what is being said is not important. According to Su, “We assume being on our iPhone or tablet isn’t a big deal, but when you speak to the people who work for those leaders, it has a really negative impact" (Stibitz). Your multi-tasking is not only disrespectful to the speaker, but you run the risk of behavioral reciprocation. As your actions are mirrored by your receiver, the delivery of your message becomes much less effective.
One final action to avoid is feeling the need to react immediately or emotionally at the first sign of disagreement. You may also feel like your message is more important than anything the speaker has to say. These feelings should be your cue that you are not actually listening, but instead are anticipating confrontation. Interrupting, like multi-tasking, is counterproductive to achieving results. Instead, resist the urge and practice sitting quietly and patiently.
Putting these ideas about empathic listening into practice will enrich your interactions and transform your leadership and personal relationships.
How to Really Listen to Your Employees, Sara Stibitz:
